No Stuffin', there we wuz!

So, there we were, waitin' and waitin' to go on a trip, the most patient monkeys ever, and finally the day arrived when Leesie Girl and Miguel San was ready for the trip! It took them forever, but we were patient monkeys, we knew that we'd get to Pe3nnsic sooner or later!

So, then, we got in the Land Yacht and we drove and we sailed and we flew and we rolled and then we were there! It was the middle of the night, and so Leesie was winging about it bein' cold, but some rude guy from one of them Canadian Kingdoms came by and told her to shaddup already and grow a beard. Leesie was taken aback for once! She don't get speechless often. So I jumped out of the boat and challenged the hairy beast to a duel! I used my best forsoothly talk!

"Zounds! You dastard!" I cried, which I ain't famous for crying, but there you go, it is what it is, "How dare you speak to my lady in so uncouth a fashion! I bite my stump at you and demand satisfaction!"

And the baby waby just looked at me and cried. "Oh, no, Sir Pyrate! Do not harm me! I pray you, good Lady, forgive me, and keep the fearsome Pyrate Monkey from me!" he wept, like a blubbery blubbering thing.

And so my Leesie was gracious and all, like she usually is, and she nodded her forgiveness, an' I took me some pity on him, and did not give him the thwackin' he deserved. So much fer all that swaggerin' rude dog behavior! Fie!

And so then we slept in the truck, cuz it was cold and wet and dark. You know how that goes. If you don't, well, then, yer horizions need some broadenin'.

The next day, after we went in the tent, I noticed a Big Flying Lizard up around the top of the tent.

"Oh, no, it's scary," squeaked Valerie, and I saw it was circlin' around Leesie's head! So I jumped outta my boat and ran across to where Leesie was and started pulling her outta jharms way. But she was just puzzled. "WHat are you doing, Sock Monkey?" she asked, and I replied, "I'm saving ya from that flying Lizard!"

"Oh, my dearest friend," she replied, "you don't have to do that. It's a friendly flying lizard, and it's only with us for a few days."

But I kept me an eyeball on it, cuz my Valerie was nervous about it and I didn't want no harm to come to my family. But it behaved, and just flew around the tent, and was quiet and good. Prolly because it noticed my Awesome Powers and was askeared.

Which is exactly what it should be. Just so you know. Because I am the mightyiest pirate ever. The heck with that Jack Sparrow guy, he's just a wannabe. I use my powers for awesome.

Anyweay, we didn't get many sails this trip, Lessie and Miguel-san only took us sailin' the one time. But, when we did go, we met Grendle and some other fabulous monkeys and I make Leesie buy a Sock Monkey puzzle for K. So it's all good. And I'm hungry, so I ain't gonna write no more right now.

Ain't I handsome?

Didja know that Leesie Girl set up a Cafe Press store fer me a long time ago? Yep. She's finally gettin' to work on it! Yay!

http://www.cafepress.com/pirate_sock

Maybe we can get her to type up all the stuff I been tellin' her all this time, too!

Excellent news, by the way. Here's a famous picture of me in the Pirate Flyer:

Well, fer Christmas, Stevaroo got me a mini pirate flyer so's the MiniMonks could have me pull their ship around! Excellent! Adventures on the way!

I found these in Leesie’s mailbox.

(2003-11-30 20:45) - happy - public

She’s been doing that NaNoWriMo thing; she finished it and I’m ”write” proud of her. The thing is, while she was writing that story, she wasn’t writing about me! Argh!

But I did find these in her mail box, and since they are so true and such good advice, I am copying them here for you:

Hi there,
I have a question: how does one give a sock monkey a bath? K has been chewing on Rupert’s feet and they are feeling pretty disgusting. Rupert doesn’t like disgusting feet. He feels a monkey of his caliper should not have drool encrusted feet- it just won’t do. He also hopes K will move beyond the ”puppy chewing” stage soon or else he may have to take a leave of absence, as have some other members of the household.

And this was Leesie’s reply:

Dearest K,
Sock Monkey loves baths. He gets naked and jumps into a tub full of a little laundry detergent and oxyclean. He soaks and soaks, and when the soaking is done, he jumps out and runs around naked and wet like a maniac. He’s slippery to catch when he is wet! He used to sit in a tuperware bowl and drive it like it was a hovercraft until the wind dried him, but after many times being smacked in the head by a wet, flying monkey and listening to him singing the Jetson song at the top of his lungs,we determined that the best way to dry him was to wrap him in a towel and tie a few strings around it–so that he wouldn’t flop all over, of course–and then throw him into the dryer. He likes turning and turning in there; he thinks it’s training to be an astronaut. It’s his Zero-G centrifuge.

She’s wrong, you know. I don’t just THINK it’s training. I know it’s training. For real and true, because I went to outer space very recently. I took my oxygen pills and twirled my tail and made airplane noises and flew out to the stars. It was very enlightening. For true.

Oh! Oh! There goes Tokyo!

(2003-07-30 22:25) - groggy - public Music: Janah - Oil On My Head

So, there we were, in this big hotel. Leesie, sweetie that she is, climbed in the truck and accompanied Miguel-san down the highway to a place way far away called Arlington Heights where there was gathered a gathering of Godzilla geekaroonies. Gaaaaaaaaa-rumph!

Leesie thinks Godzilla is funny, but she’s not really into it. Still, she thought maybe she’d get a reward for her deeeeevotion, maybe see a man in a rubber suit stomping on buildings while Night On Bald Mountain played in the background. That, she said, would be funny.

But, nah, it was just uber geeks like Leesie but what didn’t like the things Leesie prefers. So we walked around the dealers room, looking for interesting things... but, nah, nothing. However, somewhere on the trip, my belt (gasp!) fell off!

So, while Leesie was helping Mr. Musashi by staying well out of his way, I took a little trot round the room. On the other side of the wall, I could hear the Godzilla Geekazoids singing the Blue Oyster Cult song about Godzilla, but I noticed that the convention attendees only knew the chorus. Leesie knew all the words. My Leesie, she’s a goofer.

As I rounded the corner, I saw my belt, but there was a biiiiiiiiiig lizard bending down and picking it up as I walked up.

”Hey!” I said, which I am famous for saying, ”can I have my belt back, please?”

The lizard just showed its teeth.

I was pretty impressed–good articulation on that lip, nice teeth in that rubber suit. However, I wanted my belt back. So I got a little tougher. I stomped my foot and yelled! I waved my stumps in the air and I yelled! ”Hey!” which I am famous for yelling, ”I asked nicely! Gimme back my belt!”

The lizard narrowed its eyes and leaned towards me.

I felt its hot beath. I smelled its stinky lizard stink. It was no guy in a rubber suit! And it reared back and roared!

”GaaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaa-RRRRRUUUUUUUmmmmmmPPPPhhhh!”

If sock monkeys could blanch from terror, I’m sure I would have in that moment. I bolted, which is hard for me to do, ’cause I got no bones.

”Leesie! Leesie! Help me!”

She turned around as the big lizard started running towards us! and every stomp of that lizard’s foot was a big thinder boom! ANd Leesie blenched and bolted herself!

So we were running down the halls of this fancy-schmancy hotel being chased by this big, drippy lizard making ”garumph” noises, and it was scary, and people were screaming!

And then I remembered that Leesie knows how to be the Lizard Woman! Why wasn’t she just turning into the Lizard Woman? So I turned around and screamed ”Leesie! Become the Lizard Woman! Maybe Godzilla just has a broken heart! Maybe you can fight him to the death, and then be like Gamera, like a friend to all children!”

But Leesie just kept running! ”Who the hell wants to be the spouse of Godzilla? Aren’t there already enough bad marriages in this country?”

”Hey!” I wailed, which I am famous for wailing, ”LEEEEEESIE! PLLLLLLEEEEEAAASSSE!”

So then Leesie turned around and bared her teeth and —

Hey, is that ice cream I hear Leesie dishing up? Sorry, I gotta go!

A party of Pirates?

(2003-07-19 14:57) - public

So, Leesie took me camping, which is a pretty good way to spend time if you got to be landlubbing. We went to one of these places Leesie likes so well, where all the people run around wearing funny clothes, and everyone there was calling it Dub Dub, although Leesie says the right name is Warriors & Warlords. The tenth Dub dub, to be exact.

Now, I been to Dub Dub’s before. Plenty of times! And they are always fun. But this time, I opened the program and saw something scheduled that seemed more beautiful to me than Leesie, more tasty than shark fin soup, more precious than all of Snottyfoot’s treasure...

Pirates of the Caribbean Party, Saturday night.

I practically fell over from the excitement. I was so excited that I had a hard time staying awake to fight those whoopdewisps–and dang, the woopdewisps keep mutating!–all of Thursday night and Friday night because I was so eager to get to the Pirate Party!

Well, Saturday evening finally got here. Miguel-san got kinda peeved, ’cause all through that court thing I kept askin’ ”Is it time yet? Is it time yet!” Leesie called me a very impatient monkey, but I waited like a good monkey for two whole days, don’t you think I did good?

So anyway, the pirate party comes!

And we go to the party, but Miguel-san forgot his ID and had to go back. Silly man. Leesie said they had to prove they were old enough to drink grog but I know the truth–they were checking out who was who so they knew who had the treasure and who was just a grog moochin’ freeloader.

So, Leesie and I get in and start working the crowd. First, I went and scared a bunch of men who were dressed the part of pirates, but as soon as I spoke my name, they all gasped, and looked at each other, and trembled, and shouted ”Run, it’s the Dread Pirate Poopie!” as they ran towards Grog Island.

And so I turned towards a beeeeeeeeyoootiful lady and asked her for some treasure. And she shook and shook and gave me a silver coin! Jackpot! One of those quarter things.

I put it in my sleeve with all the rest of my shiny treasure. I was really hoping to get enough to balance out my body, cause that shiny, glinty pin thing I stole got from Leesie’s cornicopia of pretty jewels is so heavy in my sleeve that I keep falling over. And let me tell you, it is scary when I’m falling over in the rigging!

But then I went to get some treasures from the natives and as soon as they saw me, they started running.

The guy who must have been the witch doctor shook his skull-on-a-stick at me and shouted ”Back! Evil!”

I looked around. Evil? Where?

And so, just for fun, Leesie and I chased the Witch Doctor around. I tell you, how worthy are headhunters and witch doctors who run from wenches in corsets and pirate sock monkeys? Chiiiiiiiiiii-kuns.

So Leesie tried what was on offer at Grog Island, but she says it was just lemonade and rum, and not too much rum at that, so we tried the Ship o’ Grog. And I had a great time in the riggin’, but Leesie says the Rum Punch was tasty but, like the offerings at Grog Island, sadly lacking in sufficient rum. Miguel-san was back by then, and he took my picture, because he is smart that way.

About that time, the Prince and Princess of Nothshield, Leif and Astrid, came to the party and started makin’ announcements and givin’ gifts and stuff. I like Leif and Astrid, ’cause they are Vikings, and Vikings are like pirates!

So, after the Prince and Princess would give an award, everybody was yelling this silly Latin word.

Geesh! What kind of pirate cheers in Latin?

Leesie and I looked at each other and yelled, ”Aaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhh!” at the top of our lungs. What else are pirates supposed to yell? And they gave awards–an Award of Arms, to be precise–to this guy who was wearing seashells on his pectoral muscles and a grass skirt. Leesie says ”There’s a guy who’s going to remember this moment forever! Bet that’s not how he imagined it coming!”

Miguel-san laughed and took pictures of that.

But after that, we got kinda tired of the party. It was mostly people just pretending to be pirates, so there was not a lot of lusty swashbuckling going on. And that Corynne! She put a ”too young to drink” band on my leg! I tell you! I’m SIX HUNDRED YEARS OLD! Feh! I can drink! FEH!

And, the darn old staw that broke the pirate’s back was this weird furry pirate wannabe guy with a glowstick.

Now, glowsticks are dang creepy and eerie and all, but this was too weird, even for me! Because the furry wannabe pirate said I wasn’t a real pirate because I am a monkey, and then... he looked at his glowstick and said to me ”I think you are the only one here that I can stick this up yer butt and have it come out yer mouth!”

Leesie’s face scrunched up, like ”ewwwwwwww” kind of scrunching, and she stepped back. And Miguel-sanlooked at Leesie and then looked at me... and stepped back.

”Ick. I think... we. should. go.” she said.

But I could not contain myself!

I jumped on him! This is a guy who needs a thumping! And what a thumping I was giving him! Miguel-san says I was nothing but a red blur shooting past! And before anyone knew it, the creepy guy was on the ground, and I was pummelling him with my plush stumps! Faster than anything! And soon the creepy guy was wailing and snifing on the ground and weeping like a little girl.

Pantywaist.

But Leesie pulled me off of him. dang it! And he got up and left, the creepy, furry thing!

But as he was on the ground, I got a good look at him! He was one of Snottyfoot’s minnions! Arrrgh! Beware, Snottyfoot! I am everywhere, guarding against your evil plots at all hours of the day! And Night! And pre-dawnhours!

But Leesie noticed that all the other pirates were looking at us with new fear and respect, and Leesie thought we should go so that they wouldn’t be too afraid to have fun. So we went to the party that was to say goodbye to Aurelia, who I will miss. don’t go, Aurelia! There was EXCELLENT food and Grog a plenty there!

Those pirates at the party, though, while we was gone, they did make someone walk the plank! So there is hope for them yet!

Such a head I had in the morning.

Leesie had a party, Leesie had a party!

(2003-07-03 14:29) - public

On Saturday I got all dressed up for the party. I wore all my best pirate stuff. I tell ya, Valerie, my lovely mail order bride, was swooooooooning. And we had lots of visitors! Yes indeed!

We got three new friends in the Monkey Posse: Spaced Invader, Ramona, and Sorcha.

Sorcha came with Grant the Wolfman, a gift from his two daughters. She’s pretty delicate, can’t do too much. I think I’m gonna build a forcefield around her, keep her safe, because so many of the minions are kinda rough and tumble. She’ll get hurt.

Spaced invader is really small. He sits in front of the computer monitor and goes back and forth making this weird urkgh-urkgh sound. Mr. Anxiety is a little afraid of him. Of course, Mr. Anxiety is a little afraid of everything, so that’s not new, but even so, Mr. Anxiety is even more disturbed than usual.

Ramona the Romanian Monkey, though, she’s one to jump on ship with me. She’s a gypsy. She came with Rosy Rose. And boy, Ramona jumped outta that bag and started accurately predicting futures in no time flat! I tell ya, that Sock Monkey Psychic Hotline looks nearer and nearer to reality every day!

But the neatest thing was when Joseph the Lumberjack met Ramona. It as LURRRRVVVVVE at first sight!

”Hey!” I exclaimed, which I am famous for exclaiming, ”Joseph! Wake up!” but he was in a trance inspired by LURRRRRRRVVVVE. And they are kinda cute together, the exotic gypsy and the simple, adoring lumberjack. It’s a good thing that Ramona saw stars, too, when she saw Joseph. Hate to see that dust of broken heart floating about.

So anyway, I think I’m gonna sit here and practice creating a forcefield with my mind.

Ha-UUUUUUUURRRRRRM, Ha-UUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRMMMMM.

Bah. Nothing. I’ll have to keep working on it.

Paaaaartayyyy..... party?

(2003-05-18 15:40) - public

So. Leesie dragged me out last night. Nothing new about that, of course. But I learned something new!

Did you know that human babies drool? And bite? And slam you on to the concrete?

Yep! That’s what they do! At least, that’s what they do if they are happy and they like you. Wonder what happens when they don’t like you?

I tell you, I am one tired monkey today. We went to this den of gambling yesterday, Leesie and I, and people were wearin’ all these funny clothes, those Renaissance clothes that Leesie likes, and I tell you, those were the most restrained gamblers I ever saw! I wanted to poke them with my swell sword (ne ne ne nee-ne-ne-neeee!) and get some life into ’em! And dang, I tried everything to get me some treasure, but the only loose stuff scattered around was stuff like chain maile links and glass baubles and cut-up mardi gras beads.

The almonds wee pretty good, though. I had fun sneaking around and taking them off the tables. HA! I am such a good pirate!

Leesie is wrong when she says that those almonds were set out for anyone to enjoy. I pinched ’em. I tell you, when I was commanding the monkey minions in the Caribbean, almonds were a rare treasure, indeed. So there.

Nobody gives away such delicacies.

Anyway, there were a bunch of babies around, and Colton the baby saw me and fell in love! And why wouldn’t he, you know? I am an enchanting fellow, after all. Leesie has worshipped me simply for ages. And Colton came over and grabbed me by the head and swung me around and I was shouting ”whuunga whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuha” as I swung around because the baby had my mouth pinched shut so I couldn’t shout ”Hey!” like I’m famous for shouting and it was all together dizzifying. Then he chewed and drooled on my head and I was desperately motioning to Leesie Girl to come and save me but she just laughed!

And then, SLAM, I was thrown to the ground! Colton’s attention wandered.

Good thing, too.

That Leesie.

But she just smiled and picked me up, and kissed me lots and told me that she wasn’t worried because she knows how babies are.

She gave me some grog, though, and let me tell you, grog sure can sooth a beleaugered pirate.

Why yes! Yes, it can.