Oh! Oh! There goes Tokyo!

(2003-07-30 22:25) - groggy - public Music: Janah - Oil On My Head

So, there we were, in this big hotel. Leesie, sweetie that she is, climbed in the truck and accompanied Miguel-san down the highway to a place way far away called Arlington Heights where there was gathered a gathering of Godzilla geekaroonies. Gaaaaaaaaa-rumph!

Leesie thinks Godzilla is funny, but she’s not really into it. Still, she thought maybe she’d get a reward for her deeeeevotion, maybe see a man in a rubber suit stomping on buildings while Night On Bald Mountain played in the background. That, she said, would be funny.

But, nah, it was just uber geeks like Leesie but what didn’t like the things Leesie prefers. So we walked around the dealers room, looking for interesting things... but, nah, nothing. However, somewhere on the trip, my belt (gasp!) fell off!

So, while Leesie was helping Mr. Musashi by staying well out of his way, I took a little trot round the room. On the other side of the wall, I could hear the Godzilla Geekazoids singing the Blue Oyster Cult song about Godzilla, but I noticed that the convention attendees only knew the chorus. Leesie knew all the words. My Leesie, she’s a goofer.

As I rounded the corner, I saw my belt, but there was a biiiiiiiiiig lizard bending down and picking it up as I walked up.

”Hey!” I said, which I am famous for saying, ”can I have my belt back, please?”

The lizard just showed its teeth.

I was pretty impressed–good articulation on that lip, nice teeth in that rubber suit. However, I wanted my belt back. So I got a little tougher. I stomped my foot and yelled! I waved my stumps in the air and I yelled! ”Hey!” which I am famous for yelling, ”I asked nicely! Gimme back my belt!”

The lizard narrowed its eyes and leaned towards me.

I felt its hot beath. I smelled its stinky lizard stink. It was no guy in a rubber suit! And it reared back and roared!

”GaaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaa-RRRRRUUUUUUUmmmmmmPPPPhhhh!”

If sock monkeys could blanch from terror, I’m sure I would have in that moment. I bolted, which is hard for me to do, ’cause I got no bones.

”Leesie! Leesie! Help me!”

She turned around as the big lizard started running towards us! and every stomp of that lizard’s foot was a big thinder boom! ANd Leesie blenched and bolted herself!

So we were running down the halls of this fancy-schmancy hotel being chased by this big, drippy lizard making ”garumph” noises, and it was scary, and people were screaming!

And then I remembered that Leesie knows how to be the Lizard Woman! Why wasn’t she just turning into the Lizard Woman? So I turned around and screamed ”Leesie! Become the Lizard Woman! Maybe Godzilla just has a broken heart! Maybe you can fight him to the death, and then be like Gamera, like a friend to all children!”

But Leesie just kept running! ”Who the hell wants to be the spouse of Godzilla? Aren’t there already enough bad marriages in this country?”

”Hey!” I wailed, which I am famous for wailing, ”LEEEEEESIE! PLLLLLLEEEEEAAASSSE!”

So then Leesie turned around and bared her teeth and —

Hey, is that ice cream I hear Leesie dishing up? Sorry, I gotta go!

A party of Pirates?

(2003-07-19 14:57) - public

So, Leesie took me camping, which is a pretty good way to spend time if you got to be landlubbing. We went to one of these places Leesie likes so well, where all the people run around wearing funny clothes, and everyone there was calling it Dub Dub, although Leesie says the right name is Warriors & Warlords. The tenth Dub dub, to be exact.

Now, I been to Dub Dub’s before. Plenty of times! And they are always fun. But this time, I opened the program and saw something scheduled that seemed more beautiful to me than Leesie, more tasty than shark fin soup, more precious than all of Snottyfoot’s treasure...

Pirates of the Caribbean Party, Saturday night.

I practically fell over from the excitement. I was so excited that I had a hard time staying awake to fight those whoopdewisps–and dang, the woopdewisps keep mutating!–all of Thursday night and Friday night because I was so eager to get to the Pirate Party!

Well, Saturday evening finally got here. Miguel-san got kinda peeved, ’cause all through that court thing I kept askin’ ”Is it time yet? Is it time yet!” Leesie called me a very impatient monkey, but I waited like a good monkey for two whole days, don’t you think I did good?

So anyway, the pirate party comes!

And we go to the party, but Miguel-san forgot his ID and had to go back. Silly man. Leesie said they had to prove they were old enough to drink grog but I know the truth–they were checking out who was who so they knew who had the treasure and who was just a grog moochin’ freeloader.

So, Leesie and I get in and start working the crowd. First, I went and scared a bunch of men who were dressed the part of pirates, but as soon as I spoke my name, they all gasped, and looked at each other, and trembled, and shouted ”Run, it’s the Dread Pirate Poopie!” as they ran towards Grog Island.

And so I turned towards a beeeeeeeeyoootiful lady and asked her for some treasure. And she shook and shook and gave me a silver coin! Jackpot! One of those quarter things.

I put it in my sleeve with all the rest of my shiny treasure. I was really hoping to get enough to balance out my body, cause that shiny, glinty pin thing I stole got from Leesie’s cornicopia of pretty jewels is so heavy in my sleeve that I keep falling over. And let me tell you, it is scary when I’m falling over in the rigging!

But then I went to get some treasures from the natives and as soon as they saw me, they started running.

The guy who must have been the witch doctor shook his skull-on-a-stick at me and shouted ”Back! Evil!”

I looked around. Evil? Where?

And so, just for fun, Leesie and I chased the Witch Doctor around. I tell you, how worthy are headhunters and witch doctors who run from wenches in corsets and pirate sock monkeys? Chiiiiiiiiiii-kuns.

So Leesie tried what was on offer at Grog Island, but she says it was just lemonade and rum, and not too much rum at that, so we tried the Ship o’ Grog. And I had a great time in the riggin’, but Leesie says the Rum Punch was tasty but, like the offerings at Grog Island, sadly lacking in sufficient rum. Miguel-san was back by then, and he took my picture, because he is smart that way.

About that time, the Prince and Princess of Nothshield, Leif and Astrid, came to the party and started makin’ announcements and givin’ gifts and stuff. I like Leif and Astrid, ’cause they are Vikings, and Vikings are like pirates!

So, after the Prince and Princess would give an award, everybody was yelling this silly Latin word.

Geesh! What kind of pirate cheers in Latin?

Leesie and I looked at each other and yelled, ”Aaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhh!” at the top of our lungs. What else are pirates supposed to yell? And they gave awards–an Award of Arms, to be precise–to this guy who was wearing seashells on his pectoral muscles and a grass skirt. Leesie says ”There’s a guy who’s going to remember this moment forever! Bet that’s not how he imagined it coming!”

Miguel-san laughed and took pictures of that.

But after that, we got kinda tired of the party. It was mostly people just pretending to be pirates, so there was not a lot of lusty swashbuckling going on. And that Corynne! She put a ”too young to drink” band on my leg! I tell you! I’m SIX HUNDRED YEARS OLD! Feh! I can drink! FEH!

And, the darn old staw that broke the pirate’s back was this weird furry pirate wannabe guy with a glowstick.

Now, glowsticks are dang creepy and eerie and all, but this was too weird, even for me! Because the furry wannabe pirate said I wasn’t a real pirate because I am a monkey, and then... he looked at his glowstick and said to me ”I think you are the only one here that I can stick this up yer butt and have it come out yer mouth!”

Leesie’s face scrunched up, like ”ewwwwwwww” kind of scrunching, and she stepped back. And Miguel-sanlooked at Leesie and then looked at me... and stepped back.

”Ick. I think... we. should. go.” she said.

But I could not contain myself!

I jumped on him! This is a guy who needs a thumping! And what a thumping I was giving him! Miguel-san says I was nothing but a red blur shooting past! And before anyone knew it, the creepy guy was on the ground, and I was pummelling him with my plush stumps! Faster than anything! And soon the creepy guy was wailing and snifing on the ground and weeping like a little girl.

Pantywaist.

But Leesie pulled me off of him. dang it! And he got up and left, the creepy, furry thing!

But as he was on the ground, I got a good look at him! He was one of Snottyfoot’s minnions! Arrrgh! Beware, Snottyfoot! I am everywhere, guarding against your evil plots at all hours of the day! And Night! And pre-dawnhours!

But Leesie noticed that all the other pirates were looking at us with new fear and respect, and Leesie thought we should go so that they wouldn’t be too afraid to have fun. So we went to the party that was to say goodbye to Aurelia, who I will miss. don’t go, Aurelia! There was EXCELLENT food and Grog a plenty there!

Those pirates at the party, though, while we was gone, they did make someone walk the plank! So there is hope for them yet!

Such a head I had in the morning.

Leesie had a party, Leesie had a party!

(2003-07-03 14:29) - public

On Saturday I got all dressed up for the party. I wore all my best pirate stuff. I tell ya, Valerie, my lovely mail order bride, was swooooooooning. And we had lots of visitors! Yes indeed!

We got three new friends in the Monkey Posse: Spaced Invader, Ramona, and Sorcha.

Sorcha came with Grant the Wolfman, a gift from his two daughters. She’s pretty delicate, can’t do too much. I think I’m gonna build a forcefield around her, keep her safe, because so many of the minions are kinda rough and tumble. She’ll get hurt.

Spaced invader is really small. He sits in front of the computer monitor and goes back and forth making this weird urkgh-urkgh sound. Mr. Anxiety is a little afraid of him. Of course, Mr. Anxiety is a little afraid of everything, so that’s not new, but even so, Mr. Anxiety is even more disturbed than usual.

Ramona the Romanian Monkey, though, she’s one to jump on ship with me. She’s a gypsy. She came with Rosy Rose. And boy, Ramona jumped outta that bag and started accurately predicting futures in no time flat! I tell ya, that Sock Monkey Psychic Hotline looks nearer and nearer to reality every day!

But the neatest thing was when Joseph the Lumberjack met Ramona. It as LURRRRVVVVVE at first sight!

”Hey!” I exclaimed, which I am famous for exclaiming, ”Joseph! Wake up!” but he was in a trance inspired by LURRRRRRRVVVVE. And they are kinda cute together, the exotic gypsy and the simple, adoring lumberjack. It’s a good thing that Ramona saw stars, too, when she saw Joseph. Hate to see that dust of broken heart floating about.

So anyway, I think I’m gonna sit here and practice creating a forcefield with my mind.

Ha-UUUUUUUURRRRRRM, Ha-UUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRMMMMM.

Bah. Nothing. I’ll have to keep working on it.